expressbipolar – stories of a bipolar college student

I’m twenty years of age. I first started taking bipolar medication when I was 16 and suicidal. I was properly diagnosed with type 2 bipolar when I was 18yrs old and currently take Seroquel and Fluoextine. The purpose of this blog is to openly talk about bipolar disorder. I hate the stigmas associated with mental illnesses. It is an illness like anything else. However, because you can’t see our illness, we get written off and labeled ‘crazy’. I guess my vision with this blog if to eradicate the stigmas associated with mental illnesses. Even if one person is helped by sharing their experience, I’d be pretty happy. Much love, G.

About to Flip Shit;

I’m so fucking angry right now, cause my boss (who’s really no boss at all), is being so ignorant towards me! I work as a Desk attendant at my college, which is a really shitty, boring job, and someone who can count their IQ on one hand could do it. I can only work on campus being an international student…. But anyways, last semester I got C’s and B’s in my classes since my doctors increased my meds by 300mg. So obviously that was going to have repercussions on my grades, and I wasn’t going to get my normal A, A+ grades. But because of it, my GPA dropped, and Residential Life who hire me, want me to fill out this Academic Plan…. It’s a heap of shit. it’s something the university gives out if your GPA falls below 2.0, and mine commGPA is still above 3.0…. But it has stuff on it like ‘Write out your goals. What subjects did you do well in. Meet with your professors etc etc”. It’s like 20pages long and would take a couple of hours to fill out. But, I’m registered with Disability Services WHICH MEANS I have to meet with my professors, which I already had done. And My grades are normally A-A+ – it WASN’T my norm. And I’m fucking pre-med. I know my goals, where I’m going, and what I need to do to get there! I explained this all to him, and it made no fucking difference. He said, “well, we still want you to fill it out. It may be beneficial to you.” I have type 2 bipolar dickhead. I’m not a dumb student who doesn’t try. Oh, and when I was getting registered on the payroll, he didn’t even know any of the procedures since I’m not a citizen…..Just completely ignorant and stuck in his little world. He’s like 35, single, fat, and lives on campus. Loser.

I’ve dated a few douchebags;

I was an early maturer. I had boobs when I was 9, and hair starting when I was 8. My parents took me to the doctors and they thought I had cancer cause my hormones were off the charts. But no, I was just growing into a woman early. 

My first real boyfriend happened when I was 14. He was this Greek, tough looking guy (for a 14yr old) and he wanted to be an actor. So, he was very dramatic. After dating for 6mths, we had sex for the first time. We were only 14. Two months later, he cheated on me for the first time he went out partying. No alcohol involved. Everything just fell from there. If I could go back to my 14yr old self, I’d bitch slap myself, and tell me to wake the fuck up. We then spent the next 4 years on and off. He would always break up with me, go fuck some girls two years younger than him, then come back. And stupidly, I always took him back because I thought he’d changed…..

No one changes. Well, people change, but YOU can’t change them. Only they have that choice.

So my 14-18yr old self always thought he’d changed, and we were going to be happy again. When we were in grade 11, during a six month period, he broke up with me 17 times. He had anger issues, and was very insecure about EVERYTHING. friendships, fitting in, his appearence, etc. 

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was on the path to manic depression.  

After the first time he cheated, when we’d been only dating for 8mths, and just started having sex, he apologized and started to have sex with me. I hated it. I felt dirty. I didn’t want to sleep with someone who just cheated on me. He was my first love, and he thought that by just apologizing he could then have his way with me? The lights were off so he couldn’t see, but I laid there crying. This became a common occurance.

Many times when I was curled up in my bed crying over something, he would come hold me, then pursue having sex with me. Why would I be in the mood when i’m crying?? He never really noticed the amount of time I cried while he had his way with me.

I never said No.

Every time this happened, I never said No, or Stop. I lie, once I said “No, i don’t want to have sex”, and he stormed off angry, and then broke up with me. His mum even knew that he broke up with me because I denied him sex once.

Thankfully when I moved to Africa, he broke up with me. I had a guy GAY friend I used to always go to the bars with, and my bf got extremely jealous. He said i cheated on him, and dumped me over email. I’m so thankful to this day that he did that. Otherwise I would have still been going back to him…

After my volunteer work in Africa, I travelled to Egypt and Jordan. I wanted to backpack, but my Mum insisted it wasn’t safe, and that for her I should go on a group tour. So I did. And there I met the person I’m still dating today. He’s an American. That’s obviously why I moved to the USA. He’s a really nice guy. We’ve been dating for over a year and we haven’t had one massive argument. Yeah we have little tiffs, but no screaming matches of calling each other cunts or dickheads (like it was with the ex) He is currently making macaroons from scratch for me 🙂

I’m going to tie this is when I talk about my breakdown…

thanks for reading 🙂 

A Rebound Day

A Rebound Day.

Busy Bee

Today is the third week of school being back and I’m already pulling all-nighters each night. My schedule is intense, and I have 3hrs of tutoring each week which is thankfully free due to being registered with the University Disabilities Services. But with 18credits, tutoring, 10-20hrs of work each week, im getting a little stressed…

I haven’t started freaking out or losing it yet. I’m surprisingly calm. But I am doing study every day for hours. Im also exercising daily to try and lose this weight i’ve gained.

Oh, I went out drinking and smoking thursday, friday, and saturday night, and then didn’t take my meds each night. So over the weekend while fbing and tweeting, I went on amazon, armani, cole haan, and a few others, and managed to spend $1300… But then when I took my meds sunday night, obviously today I’m having buyers remorse and am trying to cancel everything. Most of it has already shipped……….So I can send it back (which I probably won’t end up doing), or I can try not to spend anything for the next 3mths…..(which i’m going to try) And I’m currently trying to buy a car, so each time I buy something, that is money taken away from my bad ass car…

Talking about cars and driving, well, I’ll make that my next post.

Happy Straya (Australia) Day!

This is my home. I live right at the Great Barrier Reef. If I were in Aus, I'd be drinking beer at the beach, and having a bbq with family and friends. INSTEAD, my reality is sitting in a tiny dorm room with my bf's friend doing organic chemistry.... but I shall be celebrating tomorrow night. Going to get some tequila, beers, malibu, bacardi, Australian Margaret River wine, and South Australian white wines. Hopefully it'll be a good night, it's just shit that the drinking age is 21. SO no clubbing for me. Back to being a 15yr old secretly drinking in a room....

Dum vita est, spes est.
-While there is life, there is hope.

Life is in a constant state of flux;

Gong Xi Fa Cai 恭禧發財 – Happy Chinese New Year

It’s Monday. The week has rolled around once again. Second week of school and things are already piling up. The weekend was okay. Nothing too exciting. Had Vagina Monologue rehearsals. I have nothing against lesbians, (my best friend is one), but most of the people involved with Vagina Monologes are lesbians. And the ones who are very butch.. My group whom I have to say the monologues with all think the sun shines out of their arse. The script says we are meant to do a british accent, and since I’m obviously going to stick out with an Australian accent, I asked if we were going to do it. Their response was – “umm, no, because it will take it away from the meaning of the lines.”…………Seriously, WTF. Oh, and of course all of them are trying to have the spotlight as much as they can, I got the smallest amount of lines. But I guess I didn’t fight for my lines. Im happy and proud about what we talk about in the monologue, but I’m going to do the accent required. None of this take the easy way out shit.

But I haven’t really made many American girl-friends. I rushed for a sorority last year, and it was probably one of the most ridiculous weeks of my life. Girls are put on suicide watch, they’re crying, screaming, etc. What I couldn’t do was be fake. All the fake chit chat you have to do, to become a part of their group. I did get into a sorority, but straight away I knew it wasn’t my thing. My observations of American women, and I deeply apologize for offending anyone, are quite bleak. When I was in  a sorority, girls thought I was cool because I was Australia, but hated me for it at the same time. I don’t know if they thought I was a threat or something? But every time I went to the house, I was involved in fake small talk, then always eating by myself. I would sit with other people, but they’d just stick to their group of friends. Today, only 3 girls from the sorority talk to me. And I’m not bothered. I just couldn’t do the fake happy smiling all the time thing. I’m over that. I did that shit in high school. Now, if I have a problem with you, I’ll tell you. I won’t be mean or rude to you, I simply won’t go out of my way for you.

I was extremely lucky in getting a roommate who is down to earth, and laid back. She’s probably my only TRUE friend here. I have many acquaintances, but my roommate is someone who I can be myself with, and not portray some view of happiness.

I have to mention that I live in the midwest..

I’m certainly not saying all sorority girls are bitches. There are some really nice girls who’ve met through rushing and greek life and am still close with. However, it just wasn’t for me.

Wake up to reality;

Today I just feel like shit. I’m listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate, Jack’s Mannequin, and Augustana. I binged. I couldn’t self induce it up. I just want to take my meds early and go to sleep. But of course sleeping it off never works. You always have to wake up to reality.

My 16yr old self;